An NPR article showed up in my Facebook newsfeed during my quiet time today and I indulged. It carries on in a typical NPR tone, informative, occasionally dull, and ending nowhere really, but thought provoking none the less. So, I thought I’d jot down the many thoughts that came to mind while reading it.
For the sake of clarity, I will start with laying out that I have a Costa Rican mother and a father I refer to as a “white guy from the south.” They met in Costa Rica as teens, married, and relocated to Central Florida where they raised my 3 older sisters and myself.
Being the youngest of four, I had very different experiences than my sisters. By the time I was born my mother was no longer speaking Spanish at home except when she was on the phone with her family. Aside from cooking beans, rice, and plantains way too often and having an affinity for dancing around the house in a way that would definitely be a this-woman-is-obviously-hispanic red flag to any one else, she seemed just like a white lady to me. The idea of race or identifying myself as any different than anyone else (read: white people) never crossed my mind.
That is, the idea of race and racial identity never crossed my mind until I stared into the face of racism. As far as I was concerned, I was white. In elementary school we sat at assigned tables at lunch, alphabetically. So, for the most part, year after year I was sitting with the same people. I remember his name, first and last, he looked me right in the face from across the table, “HEY, RHONDA! How did your mom meet your dad? Did she swim across the ocean or take a raft?” Followed up by a snorty gosh awful laugh. Oh, he thought he was hysterical. I was embarrassed, obviously, cause no one likes to be laughed at but I had no clue what was so amusing to him.
The next few years were mostly uneventful in regards to thinking about race or being heckled by white kids. More and more my my mother’s relatives would visit from Costa Rica so I was growing more aware of a few cultural differences but at no point did I identify it as being any part of who I was.
Then came middle school. It was the first week of school and I had become fast friends with a handful of girls. As we were walking to class from lunch one day, a girl, who I could tell was likely at least half hispanic, turned to me and blurted out, “So, what are you?” By the look on her face I almost definitely looked at her as if she had ten eyes. She repeated herself. Then, because I’m unwilling to admit when I’m clueless, I replied, “Why? What are you?” “Mexican.” She answered. By then we were walking into class. I dodged a bullet. I had no idea what the answer was. My mother was Costa Rican, I wasn’t. I’m just white. Like my dad, like my aunts and uncles, like my cousins. I’m white.
I talked it over with a couple of my sisters that evening. They filled me in on what the real answer was. “Rhonda, you’re half Costa Rican and half Caucasian. Caucasian means white. That’s what she wanted to know. You’re mixed. Half this, half that.” My sisters, they all look more like my mother than my father. Their hair is darker, their skin is tanner. While we never discussed race as a family I feel like it was probably easier for them to identify themselves as mixed. My father had a habit of referring to me as his “oddball” and most of the time I hated the term because I’m not a fan of being singled out but I understood myself as being unlike my sisters. We did have at least one other conversation about which box we’d each check when filling out forms, each sister declared they identified as hispanic, and I, without hesitation, stated that I’d check “white, non-hispanic”. One of my sisters emphatically replied, “You’re suppose to check off the nationality of your mother.” I shrugged it off, racial identity was just a preference in my eyes.
Middle school stinks, more and more I came into encounters like the 3rd grade lunch table. There were people who would single me out as “not white” but it still didn’t come up so often that I felt inclined to identify myself as hispanic, or even mixed. They didn’t see me as white but I saw myself as white. My heart was white, my skin was pale, I knew no spanish, I knew very little about the culture of Costa Rica. I had once visited Costa Rica over summer vacation but that’s a thing rich white kids did all the time so if anything I thought I had earned some white kid street cred. Nope. They could see right through me the whole time.
At the end of middle school came the most dramatic of events of my childhood. My family relocated to Costa Rica. My parents divorced. It was just me, my mother, and 2 of my 3 sisters. Our neighbors identified us as Americans immediately. There were tons of teenagers living on our street and they’d heckle us as walked down to the bus stop. By the time I had learned enough spanish to understand what they were saying about us I had grown to cold to care to listen. I was furious that we had moved away from Florida. Away from everything I called home, my best friends, everything familiar. Costa Rica felt like another planet. I was so depressed and furious, just furious. Alas, I took solace in the idea that I was surrounded by thousands of people who identified me as something I could connect with. I wore my “gringa” badge with pride. Quite literally I sewed an American flag across my backpack that I toted everywhere I went. I was a patriot in the truest sense before being a patriot meant something completely strange. I spoke tirelessly about how much I loved the United States every chance I got. I wanted everyone to know that I was somewhere I didn’t belong, that I was different, and that I was white. I equated being American with being white. Still, I was very confused.
It was only a matter of time before I was able to leave Costa Rica and join my sisters who had all, by the that time, moved back home to Florida. I had survived three years living in a foreign land. I spent almost the entire time begrudgingly following my mother around observing, almost never participating in, her world. My teenage angst had been amplified by our move and I never managed to shake it. Obviously, as a grown woman, I can look back at myself and roll my eyes but I don’t think anything under the sun could have convinced me to participate in life during my stay in Costa Rica.
Moving forward, in regards to racial identity, things finally started to feel a little less clear. When my mother would visit my sisters and I in Florida and we would go out shopping, to restaurants, or she’d meet coworkers and friends, I had more encounters with racism that were only slightly less subtle than the third grade lunch table. My mother has an accent. If she’s fresh off a trip from Costa Rica her accent is noticeably stronger but she carries an accent no matter how long she’s been away from home. I never noticed her accent until I was in my late teens, I was oblivious to the things that made her different. I watched a sales clerk at a furniture store physically curl her lip as my mother began to speak. The clerk proceeded to tell us that she didn’t think she’d have anything in the store that would fit my mother’s budget, having had no discussion of any budget. Don’t even get me started about the time an acquaintance turned to me, with a look of disgust, and said loudly “I don’t understand anything she’s saying. Is she even talking American?” Yes. “…talking American” is an exact quote. These things are hard to forget and there are endless examples I could give.
I began to feel something I never felt before. Empathy. Empathy for hispanic people and for half-hispanic people who weren’t in denial. Empathy for anyone who wasn’t as good as passing themselves off as white as I was. I suddenly wanted to embrace the idea that I was indeed half Costa Rican. Not only was I half Costa Rican but I was half Costa Rican and there’s nothing wrong with that. I wanted people to stop. Stop with the jokes, stop with the insensitivity, stop with the stereotyping. Just stop. While I made an immature choice to check out on life while living in Costa Rica I observed a culture that is rich and diverse. I quietly appreciated things and felt I grew the ability to relate to their ideas, their customs, their art. Denying that I was half Costa Rican didn’t do justice to my blood, my mother, or my experience.
Never have I ever felt white enough. Southern enough. Costa Rican enough. Nothing. There’s a disconnect. Sometimes my racial ambiguity feels like a spot light. I still wish I were white when I’m in a room full of white people but these days I wish I were hispanic in a room full of hispanic people also. Being biracial is weird, undeniably weird.
Presently, all of my neighbors are hispanic, first generation Americans. I’m pretty sure none of them identify me as anything other than white, which is okay, completely okay. Some part of me wants them to know that I can relate to them, but I’m not sure why. Them knowing that I understand them when they aren’t speaking english won’t make me any less shy. I just want them to know that I think they’re interesting. I want them to know that I get their kids’ jokes. I want them to know that when I smell their cooking I’m transported to old memories. I just want them to know that I get them. Or at least I feel like I get them. I probably don’t.
Finally, since I’ve moved to Washington 2 years ago, I’ve been presumed hispanic at every doctor’s office I go to. This makes me smile. I still think of myself as white but maybe now it’s more like 70/30 instead of a complete denial of my mother’s blood. The desire to identify as one thing or the other is a strange force I can’t quite put my finger on.
This morning, my nearly 3-year-old huffed out his longest sentence to date. His physical therapist had him building a tower and as he reached to place a block, he looked her in the face and with great caution managed, “This block goes here.”
Recently the pressure of life has been building. You know, that feeling that life is a gigantic tower and you are its foundation, its shaking, unstable, “WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE?” foundation. Or maybe the feeling that your brain is so full and so empty all at once. That you have so many things to decide that you can’t finish asking yourself a question before you get distracted by yet another uncertainty. Anxiety is real, and heavy, and sometimes debilitating.
My most recent bout of debilitating anxiety revolves around finances, housing, and our first trip back to Florida. All of these things are related and complicated, unavoidable, and so stressful. The thing about dealing with stress as a person who struggles with anxiety is that there are loud alarms blaring their sirens in your head saying, “OH NO! THERE IS TROUBLE AHEAD!” There is trouble ahead and you don’t know what to do and you can’t decide what to do first and so you should sit and wallow in your trouble. Let the pain of the intense stress literally permeate in your bones because stress is unavoidable, and heavy, and TOO MUCH FOR YOU. That’s what anxiety says, anxiety says don’t even try because it will always be too much. Anxiety says don’t get that thing done because what if it would be better to do the other things first or what if you aren’t ready for the thing that’s coming tomorrow.
This morning, during his physical therapy, my son’s speech therapist walked by and with mild excitement I mentioned that he said his first four word sentence just moments before. “Oh yeah? What was it?” I relayed it back and his therapist took a few more steps down the hall and paused, grinned, and repeated “This block goes here. That’s cool.”
On our long drive home I processed that moment. I never ask a lot of questions of his therapists but I spend an incredible amount of time overanalyzing every word, gesture, and facial expression they make. “That’s cool.” What did that mean? As I spiraled my way down the parking garage I pondered his milestones and where a single 4 word sentence placed on his spectrum of abilities. I literally shook my head and laughed at myself, convinced I needed to redirect my train of thought. “Maybe the words he said were ‘cool’?” I replayed the moment in my head. My youngest is such a peach. I thought about his easy temperament and winning smile. His words came with much hard work. “This block goes here.” When he has something to say he usually concentrates a great deal and pauses between each word and this time was no different. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and what he needed to do to make it happen. He knew that block went there.
Last night, on my way to bed, a photo hanging on the wall of my two oldest children caught my eye. They were only 1 and 3 years old in the photo. In an instant, it brought me to tears. I was already at my maximum stress level at that moment, when I saw it hanging on the wall I remembered where my life was at that point and how I thought then that I had it all figured out. I was settled, life only gets better because people only get better at doing life. Lol, right? That’s why I cried, how silly was I five years ago? Raising humans gets more complicated every single day. When they’re babies you tell yourself, “Oh it’ll be easier once they’re feeding themselves!” or maybe “It’ll be easier once they’re potty trained!” and then later, “I’ll get more done once they’re in school!” No. That isn’t how it works. Babies become toddlers, toddlers become preschoolers and preschoolers become little kids, and little kids become slightly smelly, super opinionated, energetic, overwhelmingly curious, and socially unstable KIDS. Every single stage gets more complicated than the one before it. That is parenting and parenting can sometimes bring you to tears on your way to bed because when the stress of life, housing, finances, and your first trip back to Florida are weighing on you to the point you can’t finish a thought, Rhonda still has to be mom. I still have to parent. I have to wake them, feed them, answer ONE MILLION questions, hug them, referee them, direct them.
The tasks of being mom, of being grown, of being alive are so heavy. Anxiety says I’m going to mess up one thing because I should have been doing the other thing so maybe I should just do nothing. Do you know what kids do? Kids do exactly what they want and almost always immediately. They know they want that block there and so they pick up that block and they put it there.
There are few things I enjoy more than when I can go to bed feeling accomplished. When I can close my eyes and say to myself, “Well done, Rhonda, the things you did and said today were enough!” The trick is finding peace and contentment. There aren’t enough hours in the day to check off the items on my lists. Sometimes the items on my lists aren’t even items that should be on my lists. They’re items I dealt with a week ago but I’m still expecting an imaginary anvil to drop or they’re items I don’t even need to deal with until three months from now but WHAT IF there’s some solution I haven’t thought of because I haven’t paused everything to dwell on it. The thoughts, the troubles, they pile and they pile into an insurmountable list. Every. Single. Day.
When anxiety is sounding it’s alarm between my ears what I need desperately is to pick up a single block and put it where it goes. Any block, a small block, a heavy block, a noisy block, all I have to do is pick it up and put it where it goes. And when I’m done, tell myself that it was good. Whether it looks good or bad, or feels weird or great, picking that block up and picking somewhere for it to go matters. Making my kids’ breakfast is picking up a block and it’s something to find worth and contentment in. I can find peace in picking up the block that is answering the question “How do you spell purple?” for the millionth time. Each and every block is important and valuable and each block is something I can find peace in. Allowing the weight of ten million future blocks to keep me from placing today’s blocks gets us absolutely nowhere.
It isn’t easy, reminding one’s self that today is worthwhile, that there is good in the small efforts that make tiny ripples. This long winded blog post will serve as a reminder to myself to pull things together, hopefully at least a few times and hopefully remind everyone that reads it that it’s okay to admit you’re a total mess, just keep placing blocks, that’s worth something.
One last parting idea! Somewhat recently, I was discussing mental health with a group of friends and someone asked what everyone’s “stabilizers” were. Not medicine, but, things, activities, that each person turned to as a form of self-care when stressed, overwhelmed, sad, etc. Things that help you bring a sense of balance, things that help you clear your mind. People listed things like running, puzzles, baking, etc. I legitimately couldn’t figure out what mine were, it seemed like a helpful thing to be aware of so I was surprised how unprepared I was to answer the question. Well! I’ve figured it out. I urge you to ensure you’re aware of at least a couple of your own. Here are my top 3:
– Hymns! I love them, a lot. Here’s my favorite: It Is Well With My Soul
– Sitting in a parked car all by myself, alone with my thoughts
– Writing 😉